Down In The Valley of Stupidity
by Red Witch
Summary: Another day, another meeting and yet another insane plan to try and take over the world. Or just kill some time. Cobra Commander isn't sure which.


**The disclaimer telling you all that I don't own any GI Joe characters is off playing Mario Kart 7. Just more madness from my tiny little mind. **

**Down In The Valley Of Stupidity**

"So what's this meeting about?" Zartan asked grumpily as he sat at the long table with the rest of Cobra Command and his Dreadnoks. "Commander what crazy idea have you come up with this time?"

"I didn't call this meeting," Cobra Commander grunted as he sat down at his place at the head of the table. "I have no idea what this is about."

"You don't?" Destro asked.

"No," Cobra Commander said. "I just saw the note on the fridge saying that there was a meeting. Wait a minute…Oh crap! Don't tell me this is another intervention!"

"I highly doubt it after what happened the **last time** we tried to stage an intervention for you," Destro sighed. "I still have the scars!"

"Oh right. Again sorry about stabbing you in the shoulder with a pair of scissors," Cobra Commander remembered.

"Eh it's all right," Destro waved. "I was so drunk by the end of the intervention I hardly remember being stabbed."

"We were all drunk at the end of that intervention!" The Baroness groaned. "Seriously, who brings forty crates of vodka to an intervention?"

"Again my bad," Torch waved. "I could have sworn you guys meant invitation as an invitation to a party and…"

"Yes Torch we get it," Zartan groaned.

"One of these days Torch and the rest of those Dreadnoks are going to **get it,"** Destro grumbled under his breath.

"Hang on, if Cobra Commander didn't call this meeting and it's not an intervention, why are we here?" Dr. Mindbender asked. "Zartan please tell me that one of your Dreadnoks didn't call for this meeting!"

"It's not us," Ripper said. "At least I don't think it's us."

"Not me," Monkeywrench shrugged. "Road Pig how about you?"

"N-Not me," Road Pig stuttered. "M-maybe Donald called it? Donald?"

Then Road Pig's more eloquent alter ego replied. "I'm afraid I am as much in the dark as you are Road Pig old chap."

"W-Well it's n-not like you haven't d-done it before," The grumpy pink mohawked Dreadnok said to himself.

"For the **last time** I am sorry I scheduled our monthly pedicure appointment at the same time as your foosball tournament," Donald sighed. "But you know very well that our toenails were way overdue for a clipping and our cracked heels needed some serious treatment!"

"Y-You could have t-told me!" Road Pig yelled at himself.

"I put it in our personal schedule which by the way **you** failed to do with your tournament!" Donald snapped. "Our appointment book is there for a reason! If you had taken just five minutes to…"

"Oh d-don't make t-this about me you ponce!" Road Pig snapped back. "Y-You always do this! Y-You m-make p-plans with-without my per-per…Without me saying so!"

"Oh excuse me for caring about our personal hygiene!" Donald yelled. "But if I didn't take the initiative nothing would get done!"

"Oh that's a load of b-bull!" Road Pig snapped. "If it w-weren't for me you'd still be that w-wimpy little b-bookworm h-hiding behind the library in m-middle school! I'm the one who…who got you on that wor-workout schedule!"

"Oh goody," Xamot sighed.

"This is going to be one of **those** meetings," His twin Tomax agreed.

"I knew we should have brought…" Xamot began.

"Our 3DS?" Tomax took out two black electronic devices.

"Thank you!" Xamot took his and opened it up. "Mario Kart 7?"

"You read my mind," Tomax started his.

"This is not about who pulls what weight around here!" Donald snapped. "This is about taking time to write down appointments in our schedule book which by the way I bought for you for our birthday!"

"Oh please! That wasn't a p-present it was…It was…What's that thing you c-call it wh-when you say something bad but you d-do it a sneaky way?" Road Pig asked.

"Passive aggressive," Buzzer told him.

"R-Right! I-It's p-passive aggressive nagging that makes me aggressive!" Road Pig snapped.

"Dude why did you get involved?" Ripper asked Buzzer.

"I was just helping the bloke out!" Buzzer told him.

"More like you were showing off your vocabulary," Torch snorted.

"Hey! I just happen to know a few psychiatric words that's all!" Buzzer snapped. "Between my crazy bickering parents and that loser of a guidance counselor at school it's no surprise I picked up a few things!"

"Well Road Pig is going to pick up a **knuckle sandwich** if he does not start paying attention to how things are around here!" Donald snapped.

"Eat my dust Luigi!" Xamot cackled.

"NO! NO! NO! AAAGGGH!" Tomax yelled. "I'm off a cliff again!"

"Oh and you s-say I have a temper?" Road Pig snorted.

"Speaking of passive aggressive nagging Destro remember we have that appointment at that couple counselor's office later today," The Baroness spoke up.

"Oh can't we just go back to **regular** nagging?" Destro sighed.

"Destro we have to do something to fix our relationship!" The Baroness snapped. "And you promised!"

"No offense lady, but you couldn't fix **that **relationship with a load of duct tape," Torch spoke up.

"Just what is **that **supposed to mean?" The Baroness snapped.

"It means that even Torch knows a lost cause when he sees one," Zartan sighed.

"You two have been trying to make it work for over twenty years and you still keep screwing up!" Zarana agreed. "Why don't you just let it go?"

"GO! GO! GO! AGGGGH! KOOPA SHELL IN THE BACK!" Xamot yelled.

"And **again** I fall off the cliff!" Tomax moaned.

"Well if you modified your kart for better handling you wouldn't keep spinning out all the time," Xamot said.

"I like speed and running people over!" Tomax snapped.

"Speaking of running over, Destro you've been letting that woman run over you like the world's biggest doormat for years!" Zartan said. "I'm with Zarana. Call it off!"

"**I've** been running over **him?**" The Baroness snapped. "This louse has been cheating on me for years and I keep taking him back!"

"Yeah but to be fair you did run him over a couple times," Torch said. "Once with your car in Monte Carlo when you caught him fooling around with that female race car driver…"

"THANK YOU TORCH!" Destro snapped. "That's enough of that!"

"And then there was the time you caught him making googly eyes at that new Cobra Cadet coed," Torch went on. "So you took him out with that golf cart."

"I said thank you Torch," Destro gritted his teeth.

"And then there was the time he flirted with that Night Raven pilot so you took one of those stair carts and…"

"We all get the picture Torch!" Destro snapped.

"And I thought Road Pig and I had problems," Donald agreed.

"W-we d-do have problems! M-maybe we should see a couples' c-counselor?" Road Pig spoke up.

"Well you should see **somebody **with some kind of medical certification," The Baroness groaned. "That is a step in the right direction."

"AAAAH! And I fell off the cliff again!" Tomax snapped. "Although this time it wasn't my fault!" He glared at his brother.

"Ha ha," Xamot smirked. "Hey! Where did that squid come from?"

"That's for the Koopa Shell in the back!" Tomax snapped.

"Well **this** is a productive day," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Destro and Baroness got into another fight over the disaster that is their relationship. Road Pig got into a fight with himself over toenails. The Crimson Twins are playing video games. The Dreadnoks are destroying my will to live as well as the English language and Dr. Mindbender…"

Cobra Commander looked at Mindbender who was working on an electronic pad. "Dr. Mindbender is updating his profile on another dating site! AGAIN!"

"What? Is it so wrong for a man to look for love?" Mindbender asked.

"It is the way you do it!" Zarana groaned. "In fact aren't there now several new laws in a few states after some of your last dating episodes?"

"For the last time I did not invite either the sheep nor the alpacas into my hotel room! I don't know how they got there!" Mindbender snapped. "The parrot yes, that was already there but only because it was a gift! And most of it's feathers had already fallen off with mange!"

"I rest my case," Zarana quipped.

"That's not even you in that picture!" Cobra Commander pointed.

"How do you know that?" Mindbender challenged.

"Well for starters that man has hair and no mustache!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"I'll just say I changed my look," Mindbender shrugged.

"That's Ryan Gosling's picture!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"I'll just say I'm working on a picture and have to stay in character," Mindbender remarked.

"Uh speaking of characters…" Zarana blinked when someone walked into the door.

"Holy crap," Monkeywrench's jaw dropped when he saw who walked in.

It was a tall man about six foot three wearing a brown bird like helmet, black face paint on his eyes. He wasn't wearing a shirt but had a red medallion on his bare chest and on his back he had a huge cape that looked like it was made of tan, brown, black and silver feathers. He had brown pants, a black belt with a silver falcon buckle, brown boots that had feathers on them.

"Blimey, look who just walked in," Buzzer remarked. "The Blue Falcon's flamboyant cousin!"

"Sorry I'm late but you won't believe the traffic," The man spoke with a surprisingly high nasal voice as he took out a briefcase. "Just had to get some things settled and now I'm ready to begin the meeting!"

"Okay this just opened up a new can of weirdness," Zarana blinked. "I mean I've seen some real nutter costumes in this lot but this takes the prize!"

"Who the hell are you?" Cobra Commander asked.

"I am Raptor! Cobra's falconry expert!" Raptor showed off his costume.

"We have a **falconry expert**?" Cobra Commander asked. "Since when?"

"I know we've got chickens all over the place but **falcons?**" Monkeywrench asked.

"Destro who the hell is this?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"I'm not sure, but he does look vaguely familiar," Destro blinked.

"Of course I look familiar! You recommended me for the job!" Raptor said. "Well technically not the falconry job. I started out as a financial advisor."

"Wait a minute…" Destro did a double take. "Murray? Murray Pinfeather from Pinfeather, Pinfeather, Pinfeather and Fesselhump Agency?"

"I **was** Murray Pinfeather. That was the name I used in my old life," Raptor explained. "Like the Phoenix reborn I have taken on a new life and a new name from the ashes of my old one!" He raised his fake wings dramatically.

"So I take it your divorce didn't go well," Destro asked.

"She got everything," Raptor groaned. "Well everything except my bird books and my falconry videos. That's what got me through some rough times! They helped me become a better man!"

"Let me see if I get this straight," The Baroness held up her hand and pointed to Raptor. "**This** is an improvement on what you **used** to be?"

"Hard to believe but yes," Destro sighed. "Everyone this is Raptor AKA Murray Pinfeather, a former financial advisor from Hoboken New Jersey who had a slight problem with his ex-wife who is also a lawyer and I assume had taken over your partnership from your agency?"

"That bitch and that backstabber Fesselhump screwed me over literally," Raptor grumbled. "And my traitorous idiot brother just let them."

"Yeah I think I just figured out **your **origin story," Zartan sighed.

"But am I bitter? No. You see I believe every door that is closed, the Great Falcon opens a window," Raptor smiled. "In this case he opened a window that let my flock of killer falcons in and wreck the entire office top to bottom. But not before pooping all over their mangled corpses! HA HA HA!"

"Oh boy…" Zartan winced.

"You really know how to pick them Cobra Commander," The Baroness gave him a look.

"Wait a minute! I still don't remember this lunatic!" Cobra Commander protested. "It was Destro that brought him in!"

"But you were the one who hired me!" Raptor said.

"I did?" Cobra Commander was stunned. "I don't remember that!"

"To be fair Cobra Commander that was also the day you got that new Margarita blender for your office," Destro remarked. "In fact you got that a few hours before you hired Raptor."

"Oh yeah…" Cobra Commander nodded.

"That was also the day you fixed the sink in your office to pour tequila instead of water," Zartan added.

"Really? I don't remember that last part," Cobra Commander blinked.

"Of course not. You were blitzed out of your mind. You didn't come out of your office for six months," Destro said. "You'd still be there if you hadn't broken your blender for overuse. That and the fire you accidentally set with those scented candles."

"Oh…**Now **I remember," Cobra Commander groaned. "I was in the burn unit for a week."

"And smelled like tequila and limes for two," Zarana said.

"It's coming back to me now," Cobra Commander winced. "You're the guy I hired to be my accountant aren't you? Where the hell have you been these past few years?"

"Where you told me to go! After I bought this restaurant franchise for you…" Raptor began.

"Hold on, **you're **the one responsible for us living in this dump?" The Baroness was stunned.

"Oi, it's not a dump," Torch protested.

"Yeah we get all the free squirrel nuggets we want and chase chickens all day!" Ripper agreed.

"I believe the Dreadnoks have just made my point," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "All this is _your fault_?"

"Cobra Commander ordered me to find and buy a base that was not only profitable but well hidden," Raptor explained.

"Well you can't say he didn't come through on **that** order," Torch agreed. "We live here and even we can't figure out where we are sometimes!"

"Torch you can't even figure out your real name sometimes," Zartan snapped.

"Yes I can it's uh…" Torch scratched his head. "I wanna say Tim but I know that's not right. I know it begins with a T…"

"Can we circle back to **this** for a moment?" Cobra Commander pointed to Raptor. "You said I ordered you to go somewhere after buying this restaurant? Where did I order you to go?"

"You actually care?" Destro asked.

"Quite frankly yes," Cobra Commander said. "Because most of the time when I tell you all to go to a certain location you all ignore me!"

"That's because we are **already** in Hell," Destro gave him a look. "But go on Raptor, tell us what happened."

"Well Cobra Commander then told me to go back to my apartment and to not return until I came up with a good scheme for attacking GI Joe," Raptor said. "You remember Commander your exact words were 'Get out of here and leave me with my tequila and whipped cream and don't come back until you either think up a good idea to get rid of the Joes or the purple dancing mice in this office'."

"You were so drunk you saw purple dancing mice?" Monkeywrench snickered.

"Uh no, that one was me," Mindbender admitted. "I was trying something new and it didn't work out. Long story short…We had a slight rodent problem for a while."

"Until the base was blown up by GI Joe," Cobra Commander added. "So you left Cobra and went to work on a plan to attack the Joes?"

"And it took you **ten years** to think up a plan?" Zartan was stunned.

"Don't be so quick to judge Zartan," The Baroness said. "It's still ten years sooner than anything your Dreadnoks have come up with."

"This is gonna drive me batty," Torch scratched his head. "I can't remember my real name. I'd check me underwear but I don't wear underwear."

"Big surprise with all the head injuries and the booze you've gotten all these years," Zarana groaned. "Look on the inside of your vest Torch!"

"Oh right…" Torch took his vest off. "Oi, this vest belongs to some bloke named Tom Winken."

"That is your name Torch," Zartan groaned.

"It is. Cor, lucky thing that I share the same name with this bloke who owns this vest now ain't it?" Torch brightened.

Cobra Commander did a double take a Torch. "Excuse me a moment…" He got up and left the room.

And once he was outside he screamed. "MORONS! I AM SURROUNDED BY MORONS! I AM SURROUNDED BY ALL SIDES BY MOUTAINS OF MISERABLE MUDDLE HEADED MORONS! MORONS TO THE RIGHT OF ME! MORONS TO THE LEFT OF ME! DOWN IN THE VALLEY OF STUPIDITY I AM STUCK IN THE MIRE OF MADNESS AND MORONS! AGGGGHHH!"

"All right! I unlocked a new kart part!" Tomax kept played. "Oh the Birthday Girl part! I like that one!"

"WILL YOU TWO STOP PLAYING THAT DAMN VIDEO GAME AND PAY ATTENTION?" Cobra Commander yelled as he stormed back into the room. He then proceeded to walk over to the nearest wall and bang his head repeatedly. "AAAAHHH!"

"Is he all right?" Raptor asked Destro.

"AGGGGGGHHH!" Cobra Commander kept banging his head.

"Actually this is one of his better moods," Destro shrugged. "Are you finished yet Commander?"

"Yeah pretty much," Cobra Commander sat back down. He looked at Raptor. "So? Ten years huh? What have you come up with?"

"Well I had this power point presentation but I kind of lost it," Raptor said as he handed out papers from the briefcase. "My bad. But I think this plan I have in these detailed papers speaks for itself. You all remember the classic Alfred Hitchcock film 'The Birds' right?"

"Uh…" Torch blinked.

"No?" Ripper said weakly.

"Who's Alfred Hitchcock?" Monkeywrench blinked.

"Most of us do," The Baroness groaned.

"Well this is going to be a lot like that only instead of seagulls and crows we are going to use giant killer falcons with steel tipped claws!" Raptor grinned. "They will swoop down from the skies bringing terror and mayhem! Attacking people! Stealing wallets!"

"Using cars as their personal bathrooms…" Destro said dryly.

"Exactly!" Raptor grinned.

"All right I am just going to get this joke out of the way," Cobra Commander sighed. "Raptor this plan is for the birds!"

"May I remind you that this is the same organization that once attacked the city of Chicago with **giant vegetables**?" Raptor gave them a look.

"Oh right…" Destro winced.

"We're never going to live that one down are we?" Cobra Commander sighed. "Continue…"

"As you can see from your packets the plan is to let my beautiful falcons loose and terrorize the city," Raptor explained.

"It is a rather detailed plan," Destro blinked. "For only two pages."

"Yeah but those little drawings really help," Monkeywrench nodded.

"I like this one where one bird is pecking some Joe's eyes out while another one is flying around with a stolen wallet," Ripper added.

"They are rather graphic and disturbing aren't they?" Cobra Commander sighed. "And for once I'm not so sure that's a good thing."

"Now I know what you are all thinking," Raptor said. "What if the Joes come around and start shooting the birds? The best part is that they **can't!** These falcons are rare Aplomado Falcons. Slightly mutated to twice their normal size and bred to be aggressive of course. But they are still protected by the Endangered Species Act. So if any Joe even shoots one of them…"

"You sick the environmentalists on them!" Buzzer said.

"Exactly," Raptor smiled. "So it's a win-win situation! With the Joes losing!"

"And it took you **ten years** to think of this?" Cobra Commander sighed.

"Oh no. The plan took me only three weeks," Raptor waved. "It was breeding and training all the falcons that took me ten years. That and making this costume. You have no idea how hard it is to find extra-large realistic looking fake feathers that aren't flammable and can be dry cleaned! It's a nightmare."

"So is my entire life," Cobra Commander moaned. "Oh what the hell? It's better than anything we've got going on now. We've done every other cockamamie plot we could think of. Why not this one?"

"So where are the birds now?" The Baroness asked.

"Oh I just moved them into secret storage into the base," Raptor said. "That's what took me so long. I put them in that giant bird coop we have underground for now. But once our plan is ready I'll unleash them onto the world!"

"Wait are you telling me that you put a flock of killer falcons in with the restaurant's live chicken supply?" Destro asked.

"Are you crazy?" Torch asked. "Those chickens are mean!"

"Yeah and turning the chicken coop into a shooting slash bowling gallery didn't exactly improve their spirits," Monkeywrench agreed.

"It's fine! I'll show you via some web cams I put into some of my birds' armor," Raptor told them as he went over to a nearby console and turned on a large screen. "Now I just type in the commands with my computer. Execute and you will see a hundred and twenty five of the most beautiful…The most vicious…The most….OH MY GOD!"

"Oh gross!" Zarana gasped when she saw what was on screen.

"They're being torn to pieces!" Destro gasped. "I knew that was a mistake!"

"This is disgusting!" The Baroness winced.

"Not half as disgusting as what's going on with camera four," Tomax pointed to the screen.

"So that's what the inside of a chicken's stomach looks like?" Torch asked. "Now I know. And knowing is…"

"OH SHUT UP!" Raptor screamed. "My babies are being torn to pieces!"

"SQUAAAKKK! BUCK-CKAWWWWW!"

"Correction," Destro sighed. "They **have** been torn to pieces and are now being gobbled as falcon nuggets."

"Birds eating birds. Hey isn't that cannibalism?" Monkeywrench asked.

"I **told **you those chickens were mean," Torch shrugged.

"Maybe we should let the chickens loose on society?" Buzzer asked. "Let them run around and cause trouble?"

"Admittedly that is not a half bad idea," Mindbender said.

"They're certainly a very effective defense system," Tomax said.

"Messy but effective…" Xamot agreed.

"My babies…" Raptor whimpered. "Why did this happen to them? They never hurt anyone! They never got the chance to!"

"Okay I am officially calling this meeting to a close," Destro got up. "Any new business? No? Fine! Come on Baroness. Suddenly I have a sudden craving to actually go see a counselor. Or anyone with an ounce of sanity."

"Not to mention a sudden craving for fried chicken," The Baroness followed him out of the room.

"Ooh I could go for fried chicken," Monkeywrench agreed. The Dreadnoks followed him out of the room.

"I could eat," Zartan admitted.

"I wonder if that's a good place for a first date?" Mindbender asked as he left the room.

"Oi, Baroness! D-Do you h-have the n-number of that therapist?" Road Pig asked.

"And does he take walk in appointments?" Donald added.

"Best of three?" Xamot asked as he took his 3DS out.

"You're on," Tomax said as he took out his gaming system. "But no Rainbow Road this time! That course is too hard!"

"My birds! My beautiful birds!" Raptor put his head on the table and cried.

"See you in another ten years Murray," Cobra Commander quipped as he left the room. "Destro where's the blender and tequila? My salt could use some margaritas to go with it."


End file.
